Everyone in Dalston is Weird.

15th March 2010

Man in neon green shorts and earmuffs, shouting ‘Selecta!’ at 243 bus, at the Stoke Newington Road end of Kingsland High St.

8th April, 2010

What a glorious April afternoon in Dalston! And to my delight, the sun appears to have unleashed a deluge of bizarre activity in our eccentric little town.

Popping into Tesco to pick up some essentials, I was lured into conversation with a lady in the milk aisle, where I was helpfully informed that the look of displeasure on my face was my body’s way of letting me know that I am intolerant to lactose (not, as I had believed, related to low stock of the items I was hoping to purchase), an affliction which incidentally her husband would be able to cure using only scalp-massaging techniques at his home-surgery in Hackney Downs (an impressive skill, if true, though still irrelevant to my non-existent dairy issue).

Rob Monk encountered somone’s vinyl collection sprawled sleeveless and naked across the pavement near the D&T cafe on Kingsland Road, and I was caught somewhat off-guard by a lady pushing a buggy, who, as we passed each other outside the Yucatan Bar on Stoke Newington Road, turned and with great vehemence, greeted me with just one word: MUMMY. 

(We are unrelated.)

Additionally, a man offered me both spiritual salvation and cheap calls to countries that, although the only geographical qualification in my possession is a humble GCSE, I am certain do not exist (Eximalia, anyone?) and a small child on Dalston Lane bit a man’s leg.

Weird Dalston Retweets

Here’s a selection of other people’s weird Dalston observations, which I retweeted on Twitter. Follow @dalstonisweird for more.

RT @OxfamDalston No other way to say this…high-quality gimp suit, £60. http://twitpic.com/1lrnsj

RT @brittneybean Just had a non-drug related meeting scheduled in a hydroponics shop in Dalston. Ah-mazing.

RT @Laffers People watching in Dalston. A-frickin-mazing!!! - indeed it is.

RT @tancopsey Dalston hipsters can be a bit weird. Notice the shoulder-cat…. http://tweetphoto.com/21772628

RT @UatecUK Dear people of Dalston. The pavement isn’t a nice place for ANY of your bodily fluids.

RT @paulpoetry RT @TheJBo: The man in First Class Dry Cleaners on Dalston Lane insists Joanna Lumley and Paul McCartney are regulars.

RT @alec_hill @dalstonisweird Bearded lady shouting “i wasn’t arguing I was talking to my god” to the map at the bus stop #dalston

RT @welshkaren We have a singing preacher on the #149 bus. #dalston

RT @tricktheflow Guy in the stags head dalston (who looks like Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood) is accompanied by a great dane. #Onlyinlondon

RT @RobboRobson On a bus out of Dalston after successful photo shoot day. Very odd place.

RT @missLoubou A man just try sell me “Prada” sunglasses in dalston for £150 an sed he just got it from Selfridges but it was in sainsburys bag!!

RT @deadlypeople More Dalston strangeness… http://twitpic.com/1g1duh

RT @Dalstonpeople Who in Dalston found a DVD about a 911 conspiracy theory on their doorstep this morning? They were on most people’… http://bit.ly/dyi3C5

RT @danhancox on the 243 earlier i saw some graffiti accusing tony blair of killing both david kelly and princess di, @dalstonisweird

RT @WSProject @dalstonisweird Gotta love London Bus stories… I was on a 67 the other week, and I can’t be sure, but I think a man actually bit a baby..

RT @Palomafaith: did anyone in dalston see ufo’s or strange lights in the sky last night at about 8pm?

RT @dadsfave There is a rudegirl screaming christian empowerment speeches over a really loud PA by MaccyDs st Dalston Junction.

The Jilted Viscera of Ridley Road Market

Ridley Road Market is a notoriously perilous terrain to negotiate without finding oneself drowning in a sea of market stall excrement, slipping on a decaying piece of exotic fruit or sinking into a vat of discarded pigfoot. Regarded by most Dalston residents as a local treasure, it is best avoided if of a nervous disposition, have ever feared being attacked by an African cucumber, or are averse to offal in all its many forms.

Last Tuesday as I entered the Kingsland Shopping Centre, I almost bumped into a very tall man with long, neat dreadlocks, who was inspecting a raw liver, which he had held up to his face. Deep in concentration, he obviously had not noticed (or perhaps didn’t find interesting) that it was oozing blood all down his arm.

A couple of days ago, @redbuttondesign posted this delightful picture, taken in Ridley Road Market:

It reminded me of a cameraphone pic I’d taken on Stoke Newington Road in December 2008.

If you have any meat-related anecdotes or photographs to add to the collection, please email or @reply me…

Softped thanks you for not smoking.

At the ‘Dish’s’ cafe on Stoke Newington Road.